Mourning Death While Expecting Life – the Dichotomy of the Christian Life

At the time of writing, I am 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my fifth baby. Since this is my fifth time anticipating a full-term birth, I have a lot to share about, but this time is quite a bit different than previous pregnancies because I am also grieving a dear Aunt who fell asleep in the Lord just three weeks ago. 

So, today, I’m going to share my Aunt’s end of life and my experience of grief while anticipating life and how it applies to more than just the end of pregnancy. I pray that if you are grieving, you find peace in God’s mercy, and if you are pregnant, you can find solace in God’s perfect timing for your baby’s arrival.

My Dear Aunty Weez

My aunt, Lisa (Elizabeth) Louise, was more than just my mom’s little sister. She was present the day I was born and every day of my life growing up. I don’t have a single memory of a milestone in my life that she wasn’t there for. 

She was one of the most selfless people I’ve ever known. She would listen without judgment, notice the little things that mattered most, and always remember the most minute details about my life. She was goofy and silly with my kids, preferring to work behind the scenes and never drawing attention to herself, but she was always the hardest working or most aware of the needs of others.

The only thing that made my heart ache (as well as the rest of my family) was her distance from Christ and his Church. Though we all converted to the Orthodox Faith in the 90’s, she fell away after a few very hard years in the church we came into. So, for the last 30 years, we have all been praying for her reconciliation and repentance.

8 years ago, she was diagnosed with cancer. It was a strain of cancer that we knew was incurable, but we prayed that God would use it to change her heart towards Him. Little did we know that those prayers would be answered 10 fold. 

For 7 years, she went through treatments, bone marrow transplants, remission, medication, hospitalizations, intensive care units, and 2 near-death experiences. All of this while I was on the other side of the country, and the most I could do was pray and console from a distance. While my life continued to grow and change, her life was mostly work, doctor's visits, and navigating life with cancer, supported by mom and siblings who lived closer to her. 

Finally, in early 2026, her cancer started not to respond to treatment, but we were still optimistic that she had a few years to go. Around the same time that her cancer stopped responding to treatments, her heart was softening towards Christ, though she didn’t know it yet. 

She started growing a relationship with a priest and Khouria that she had known for 30 years, but only now truly started to nourish. It was because of this priest that she watched Man of God – Life of St. Nektarios, and God used this film to transform her heart. 

After the film, she described that a weight was lifted from her shoulders that she didn’t realize she was carrying, and she was able to forgive decades-old wrongdoings that she had held onto. She realized she didn’t have to bring justice to those who wronged her and that God had the final say over every wrongdoing that she had experienced in her life. 

This transformation allowed her to recognize the saints as intercessors before the Lord, and she earnestly cried out to them in her final days. It was almost unbelievable, but the transformation in her was undeniable.

A Christian Ending to Our Lives

In June of 2026, all cancer treatments stopped working, and she was experiencing horrible side effects from the rampant disease in her body. She was told that the remainder of her life would be spent in and out of the hospital, living in a dialysis center, and constantly managing the side effects with more and more medication. 

She chose not to live the remainder of her life this way. And with a clear head and prayerful heart, she chose to go on Hospice care and stop all treatment. Some doctors said she would have only one week to live, while others gave her three to four weeks. Regardless, she was looking at a few weeks to arrange the remainder of her life and prepare for death, a gift many of us don’t have. 

Family flocked to her side, friends reached out, and my family flew across the country, not knowing if we were going to get a coherent Aunt or a deathbed and funeral. What we got was beyond our understanding and God’s perfect orchestration of an impossibly hard situation. 

For the first 7 days we were in California, we laughed, cried, prayed, and joked with my Aunt. Other than her needing a wheelchair and some assistance to get around, she seemed fine. Though she wasn’t going to dialysis, she wasn’t swollen and was still able to enjoy the kids playing in the pool, watching movies snuggled in bed, and having deep conversations with my husband and me about her experience with St. Nektarios and her anticipation of her life on earth ending. 

Over and over again, we all assured her that she was going the right way. She had confession, communion, and reverence for Christ and His saints. There was no better time than now. And yet, we kept waiting. Two weeks went by from stopping treatment, and she still seemed no closer to death. And I was sitting there, getting closer and closer to my “due time,” knowing my time with her was limited before I had to go home.

But she did eventually start to decline, even though she didn’t want to and kept saying she would wait until the baby was born, and I could fly back for the funeral. Her body simply couldn’t hold on. After 10 beautiful days together, she started to experience horrible leg cramps, a foggy and anxious brain, and anxiety over minute details that needed to be sorted out. After 12 days, she was no longer able to walk because of muscle spasms and required medication to calm her nervous system and ease the muscle spasms, but this made her very sleepy, and she simply couldn’t resist sleep.

On Sunday, June 21st, after Divine Liturgy, my husband anointed her with Holy Unction while she slept and then waited for her to wake up to give her Communion. She was very anxious upon waking up, but my husband was able to calm her down, and after Communion, she stayed awake for a bit, chatting with us and wishing the men a happy Father’s Day. 

I sat next to her, and we both knew how close death was, so I asked her to hug my two babies, who were waiting for her in Paradise  And after talking to a few more people, she fell asleep. I sat with my mom while the hospice nurse laid out what the next few days might look like, the medications that may be needed, and how to use them. That night, I assured my mom I would be up throughout the night to check on my Aunt and she needed to rest. 

By 5:30 am, it was clear that my Aunt had switched from close to death to imminent death. At this point, my family and I had tickets to fly home the following day, with no other option than to go because of where I was in my pregnancy. So, once I explained to my mom that death was now imminent, within the next 24-48 hours, (knowing the signs from my nursing background), we stayed by her side, reading Psalms, the life of St. Nektarios, singing hymns, and playing church music when we weren’t able to be there.

The house was peaceful, and her affect was calm, though her body was showing clear signs of imminent death. My mom, sister, and I were able to care for her body as she slept, and that was a beautiful gift. I had felt a lot of guilt and sadness over the years of her illness because I could not play a larger role in her care as a nurse. Although I was sad, I was also extremely grateful to care for my Aunt in a way that she had once cared for me. 

On Tuesday morning, my family and I said our goodbyes, knowing that we would not be able to come back for the funeral. Some of my children simply approached her bed and said goodbye, while others let tears fall as they told her how much they loved her. I said my final goodbye. I poured my heart into the words I said and prayed that she could hear me.

While traveling back home, I received updates from my sister. After nearly 14 hours of travelIng,  as we crawled into bed, I received a call from my sister just after midnight that my dear Aunt had fallen asleep in the Lord. She chose not only to wait till we were safely home, but also to die on the feast of her patron saint, St. Elizabeth, the mother of John the Baptist. It’s a great honor to die on the feast of your patron saint, and this mercy did not go unnoticed. Though I still don’t understand the timing of it all, God was clearly working through it.

Her life was filled with abuse, neglect, anxiety, and regret. But in the end, the Lord revealed himself to her in the only way that would work for her. She was allowed to die like a Christian, surrounded by her dearest loved ones, and in peace. She died as we all pray to, “A Christian ending to our lives: blameless, painless, and peaceful without end.” 

Mourning Death While Expecting Life

Throughout this whole experience, I couldn’t get over how similar the wait for death and life are. We were given a time frame of what to expect for my Aunt’s repose, but no one could tell us exactly when that would happen. And now, I sit here wondering when my baby will come.

Obviously, there are very different emotions surrounding both, and this has been hard for me to navigate. As I mentioned, my aunt wasn’t just some distant relative who I saw once a year and got a present from on my birthday. She was tangibly present in my everyday life. 

So while I joyfully anticipate a new baby, I am still in the throes of grief and, quite honestly, it’s very hard to navigate some days. I battle guilt when I feel joy, and I struggle to look ahead when I realize I can’t text my aunt and tell her what we’re up to. I struggle to live knowing she isn’t going to be there to live it with. 

But God is good and merciful. He gives me strength and solace when I feel like I can’t go on. This has looked like many conversations with my husband or close family and friends, sobbing and remembering, processing and praying for her soul. All while nesting and dreaming of life with a new baby, of which I have zero control over when he or she will arrive. It’s hard to navigate, but I know God is with me, and I keep running through my Aunt’s end of life trusting that God will orchestrate this baby’s birth just as perfectly.

The Mystery of Life and Death and God’s Perfect Plan

There are many mysteries found in this world. As Orthodox Christians, we know firsthand how mystery is woven into the life and understanding of the Church. There isn’t always an answer to our questions, which means that more often than not, we have to faithfully trust that God’s will will be done. But that means we have to get out of the way and let Him do the work while we do our work of trusting Him.

So, while I have this newfound understanding of grief, I’m still struggling through the wait for my baby to be born. I desperately want to snuggle this little one and feel the thin veil so that just maybe, I can feel my Aunt with me again. When the negative thoughts come, and the worry and doubt try to creep in, I think of my Aunt and the end of her life, greatly rejoicing in God’s perfect providence.

I know this is very different from my other pieces, but if you found it useful or know someone in a similar situation who may benefit, please send this their way. And leave a comment if you’ve ever experienced something like this. Also, I have another article here I wrote during the end of my last pregnancy that may be helpful to you as well.